[***]
All right. Are the doors locked?
Check.
Windows bolted?
Check.
Car disabled?
Check.
Good boy, Bud.
There is no way your daddy's getting out of here
this allowance day.
Where is he?
[TOILET FLUSHES]
Ah, that's him.
Take your positions.
[BARKS]
There he is. There he is.
[ALL TALKING]
Come back here.
Dad...
PEG: Give us our money!
KELLY: Come on.
Give me that money!
Get off me!
Back, you savages. Back!
All right, here's your stinking allowance.
[YELLING]
Another Hallmark moment.
Peggy, what are you doing?
[MUFFLED] It's allowance day.
Allowance day?
Al, you are a pig.
How dare you make them grovel like this.
Al, Kelly had her hand
on a quarter that I wanted.
[MUFFLED] Prove it.
Open up. I know it's in there.
No, it's not in there! No! No!
This is a disgrace, even for you.
Groveling on the floor for--
Oh, look.
See a penny, pick it up.
All the day you'll--
[SCREECHING, CLAMORING]
Excuse me!
But I believe the rest of that money you took
was in my pockets.
[MUFFLED] Prove it.
You see how barbaric
this allowance idea is, Al?
Look at them.
[MUMBLING]
These were once human beings.
Now, I think you would all
feel better about yourselves
if you all got jobs.
[LAUGHTER]
Now, that would hurt this man.
Tear him apart.
Now, he's the wage earner, here,
and that's how it's gonna stay.
Eh, big fella?
Yeah. We love him.
You know, Marcy just gave me an idea.
Two, actually.
One: I want to have chicken for dinner tonight.
And, two: I'm discontinuing your allowance.
[THUMP] Ow!
Kelly,
it's not right to stomp on adults.
Besides, it wouldn't hurt you
to earn your own keep.
Why, you're included in this too, Peg.
[THUMP] Ow!
Then it's settled.
Today will be Bundy dollar day.
Each one of you will go out
and try to earn one lousy, stinking dollar
just to see what it's like.
How does that sound?
No way. Forget it.
Try it on your other family.
I think it's a great idea, Al.
But what they need is incentive.
So...what Al is going to do
is match anything you make.
Double it, dollar for dollar.
Wait a second. If I double it,
that could get into some serious money, here.
These three could make, uh...
Ha, ha. What the hell.
I'll triple it!
How many cups in two cups?
How would I know?
Bud, why do people keep on giving you quarters?
It's not important, Kel.
What is important, though,
is that it's too slow.
Now we've got to get you a job.
A job? Me?
God did not create this package to work.
Well, he didn't create it to be used
as a serving tray at a bikers' party, either.
Just relax, Bimbelina.
Hey, here's a likely prospect for you.
"Totally, completely, utterly nude."
Oh, so what would I be doing?
You're right.
We'll just keep on looking until we find
"totally, completely, utterly stupid."
Hey, look. The Gutter Cats are in town.
They're making a rock video here.
The Gutter Cats?
Oh man, if I could pick one group to have my baby,
it would be them.
Just sit back and move your lips
while you listen.
"Slutty girls needed for meaningful music video."
Kelly...go get changed into your sleaziest dress.
Which one?
The one Dad calls your belt.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Bud, I want this so bad.
What if I'm not slutty enough?
I'd die.
Not slutty enough?
Baby, you've got tramp
written all over your face.
Thanks, Bud.
Do you really think I have a chance?
I mean, what if those other girls
are prettier than I am?
Not a chance.
I mean, come on, look at them--
Whoa.
Get yourself a Milk-Bone.
Look... you're my agent.
Get me the job and earn your 80 percent.
PRODUCTION ASSISTANT: Hey, Cecil, phone call for you.
I'll see what I can do, Kel.
[SIGHS]
Hello, ladies.
I'm, uh, Bud Jagger-Richards...
the power behind the band.
Now... as you all know,
we're doing a rock video here.
One that will be setting
a new standard of excellence
in the video realm.
So how many of you have high moral values?
You are dismissed.
And you call yourselves sluts.
Alrighty.
Now...we're going to be asking you girls
to do some things in this video
that may not seem humanly possible.
So...I'd like to start
by having a little pre-audition audition.
So, miss, uh...
would this offend you?
[WHISPERING]
That's disgusting.
Next! Damn.
My dear...would you be offended
if perhaps you were asked to...
[WHISPERS]
No, I wouldn't.
Are you sure you heard me right?
Very sure.
[WHIMPERING]
Hold my calls.
Hi.
What part are you here for?
Slutty girl.
Me too.
You know, the other girls left
because they didn't want the band
to rip their hair out by the roots.
It grows back.
You know,
there's reading required for this job.
I can read.
[WHISPERS] Shoot.
Change?
I'll be right with you.
You see that guy over there?
That's the drummer.
He likes you.
He says 10 minutes with him, you've got the part.
Well, I've done worse.
[WHISPERS]
Oh, man, we're gonna look at sluts.
They're not sluts. They're ladies.
Okay, which ladies are here for the slut?
One slut? That's all we get?
I thought we were famous.
What he means is, you got the part.
Does this belong to you?
Yeah. Only a few more payments.
What did you do this time, Peg?
Well, I was trying to earn money like you said.
So I set up a tollbooth of my very own
in a good location:
at the airport.
They already got a tollbooth at the airport.
Yeah, but mine's cheaper.
[LAUGHING]
How much is the fine?
Two hundred dollars.
But, because this is her first offense,
and obviously, all your money
is tied up in, uh...despair...
I'm gonna let her off with a warning.
Oh, that's nice.
Well, Al, maybe now you can get rid
of that bumper sticker that says,
"Support higher education.
Send a cop to first grade."
[SILENTLY MOUTHING]
Uh, ma'am... would that be
the illegally- parked vehicle
with the broken taillight?
Yes. But you can't give him a ticket
because his registration is expired.
So there.
Now, I'll just go out
and take care of that bumper sticker for you.
Thank you, Officer.
[GUNSHOT]
What a lousy shot.
That bumper sticker was nowhere near
your back window.
Can I have my allowance now, Al?
No.
Look, Peg, I'm not asking for the impossible:
a quick, painless death.
All I want you to do is earn one lousy dollar.
Just find something you do best
and get someone to pay you for it.
Oh. Okay.
How about giving me $100 for sex tonight?
That's only $50 a minute, Al.
Peg, I forgot to tell you
it has to be something someone wants.
Well...you know,
I'm sure that the early cavemen
didn't want fire either
until they got over their fear of it.
Peg...you're qualified for lots of things:
spirit squasher...
hope dasher...
age accelerator.
That's enough, thank you.
You know, I should be paid plenty
for the dangers I face around this house.
You think your underwear just stops dancing
all on its own?
I stalk it, I club it...
I trick it into the hamper!
You try doing that once a week
and see if you don't deserve hazard pay.
Peg, I'd probably be more appreciative
if you waited till I took them off first.
Now, there must be something you can do
to earn a lousy dollar.
Oh, all right, Al.
I'll just have to concentrate.
Just give me a hug for good luck. [GRUNTS]
Don't even think about it.
Earn this. Cook that.
Don't steal.
Boy, talk about the bloom
being off the rose.
The fight on yet, Al?
Coming on any minute.
NEWSCASTER: Finally, on the lighter side of the news,
the rock group the Gutter Cats are in town
to tape their new video.
Auditions for the role of rock slut
were held earlier today.
Yummy, yummy.
Eager young women
came from as far as Bloomfield Hills, Michigan,
to give their all for the Gutter Cats.
Oh, man. Look what it looks like
before you marry it.
I'm telling you, Al,
rock is where it's at.
Did I ever tell you I was in a rock band in high school?
Even had a cool name:
The Tuxedos.
Steve, I'm trying to watch the girls.
Yeah, gradually, though, I split from the group.
Creative differences. Well, actually,
not enough parts for my instrument.
But you haven't lived
till you heard my solo on "Grazing in the Grass."
My sousaphone wailing...
the crowd on their feet--
Steve, shut up, will you?
Ok, but it's a good story.
Hey, look at that blond
all over the singer like a coat.
Oh, boy, I'd like to give her a--
Oops. Sorry, Al. That's your daughter.
Kelly, stop that! Stop that, Kelly!
Hang on, pumpkin. Daddy's coming.
I'll be right there.
Stay there, pumpkin! Daddy's coming!
Gutter Cats video. Take one.
One, two, three...
[***]
* Shewalked in *
*That was enough *
* I'venever seen Such a beauty queen *
* Look so rough *
DIRECTOR: Where's the girl?
Cue the girl!
[BANGING]
* Tell me honey *
* Do you think There's a place for you *
* In my brain? *
* Tell me, baby *
* Should I even Mention now *
* The teen Magazines? *
DIRECTOR: The singer.
You're supposed to dance with the singer.
But I like him better.
DIRECTOR: Cut! Cut!
DIRECTOR: Cue the girl.
[***]
* She walked in *
* That was enough *
Oh!
Hey! Hey, this box was in my way.
DIRECTOR: Cut!
[YAWNING] Gutter Cats video. Take 56.
[SNAP]
Action.
DRUMMER: One, two, three...
[***]
DIRECTOR [TIRED]: Cue the girl.
* She walked in *
* That was enough *
* I never seen Such a beauty queen *
* Look so rough *
DIRECTOR: To the right.
Your other right.
And don't look at the camera!
I'm not!
Cut!
She stinks.
ALL: Who cares?
Okay. We'll give her another chance.
There's got to be something she can do.
[***]
* Tell me, honey *
* Do you think There's a place for you *
* In my brain? *
AL: Where's my little baby?
Where's my little baby?
Where's my girl?
Hi, Daddy. Look, I'm in a video.
* Do you think There's a place for you... *
DIRECTOR: Cut! Cut!
What do you want?
Your liver on a stick.
That's my little girl up there.
Kelly, get down!
[YAWNS]
Boy, am I beat.
Hi, Dad. I'm engaged.
Good. I'll move into your room.
Untie your sister. We're getting out of here.
Say, you can't take the girl.
Gee, that's funny. I think I can.
Dad, I'm sorry, but as Kelly's agent,
I'm gonna have to pull rank here.
Bud, your shirt's on backwards.
Now, you may have sweet-talked--
You may have sweet-talked a couple of innocent kids
into doing this trash,
but now you're talking to a man!
And there's no way, nohow--
Say, you know, you've got a strong profile.
I bet you'd look good on camera.
You're not the first to have told me that.
Not sissy good looks,
but ruggedly handsome, huh?
Yeah. Right?
Super. Great. Terrific.
Uh, could somebody get me down from here?
Quiet, pumpkin.
Daddy's talking to the band. Say...
how would you like to be in our video?
How much are we talking about?
Three thousand dollars.
What do I have to do?
Just sit in the car, look cool,
and we'll handle the rest.
Uh, guys,
could-could somebody please get me down from here?
Guys.
Boy, I hate this.
This is the second time this week
somebody has chained me to a fence and wandered off.
Okay, Kelly...
[HARD ROCK PLAYS ON TV]
...you made $500.
Tripled, that comes to $1500.
And as your agent,
my cut comes to 400 simoleons.
And tripled, that's $1200.
Ah.
Well, Al, that leaves you with $300.
Aren't you proud of us?
[MOANS]
Would you like your pain medicine now, honey?
[MUMBLES]
Oh, well, that will be $100.
And tripled, that comes to $300.
Hey, look. Kelly's part on the video's coming up.
* ...Mention now The teen magazines? *
* The teen magazines Baby *
* Teen magazines*
Here's your part, Daddy.
Yay, Dad!
Very good, honey.
Very good.
But, you know, they should have used
the second take.
That was the one where Dad actually caught fire.
Nah, he ruined that one.
You could tell he was unconscious.
Well, kids...now, we all have some money.
Let's go shopping.
Oh, Al, if the phone rings, it's Mom.
She's gonna ask
if she can come and visit for a month.
Now, if you don't want her to, just tell her.
Otherwise, she's coming.
Somebody hand me my hamburger?
[DOOR CLOSES]
Ah! Ah! Ah!
Oh!
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
[RINGS]
Oh, no.
[RINGS]
No.
Buck, get the phone, boy.
[RINGS]
Buck, get the phone, boy.
[RINGS]
[***]